Anger is one of my favourite things to work with! It hits very close to home for me, because I have put a lot of work into myself, navigating my own complex relationship with anger. I am familiar with both primary and secondary anger in my own life, and I have made friends with my own sense of both.
Here are some important lessons I’ve learned about anger through my training as a therapist, and through my own learnings in my personal life.
Anger and Socialization
It’s not uncommon to have a complicated relationship with the emotion of anger. Depending on our background, we likely have experienced some socialization around what is and is not appropriate for us to feel and express regarding our anger. Our socialization around anger is key to understanding our relationship with it. Exploring this socialization is part of the work that I do with my clients, and part of the personal work I’ve done in my own life.
As an example, some people are socialized not to express anger. The result is that these folks feel shame or guilt when they do experience it. They suppress or internalize anger rather than addressing it head on. Over time, this can contribute to feelings of resentment toward others and self, emotional disconnection from others and self, or even physical symptoms.
On the flip-side, some people are more socialized to believe that other, more tender emotions are not appropriate to express, like sadness, pain, fear, guilt, or shame. For these folks, when these other emotions present themselves, they unconsciously transform those emotions into anger. This is because anger feels more safe or more socially acceptable to express than the other emotion.
Primary vs. Secondary Anger
The illustration above also highlights the difference between anger as either a primary or secondary emotion.
When anger is a primary emotion, it arises in response to a situation that feels unjust, unfair, threatening, or frustrating. In these cases, anger serves as a helpful and adaptive reaction to being wronged or to a boundary violation. Primary anger is the one that – when it is not allowed to be expressed – gets suppressed to turn into resentment, disconnection, and physical symptoms.
Secondary anger is the type of anger that results when people are socialized not to express other, more vulnerable emotions. When anger is a secondary emotion, it acts as a mask for these feelings. In these cases, anger – although it is doing the important work of protecting something very tender – can sometimes be a little more distressing and challenging to navigate.
Treating Primary Anger
My work with anger with my clients is a little different depending on which anger is showing up for them. When clients show up in my office with primary anger, my work with them is around figuring out what boundary in their life has been crossed, how they have been wronged, or where they are feeling stuck. I validate for them how unfair or frustrating this situation is, and, together, we work on ways to express that anger by setting or re-stating boundaries, being assertive and speaking up for themselves, or taking steps to solve the problem. When primary anger is in my therapy room, the goal is to help clients use their anger as a positive force because something in their life needs to change.
Treating Secondary Anger
If we discover that my client’s anger is secondary – meaning that the anger is covering up deeper feelings like sadness, fear, or shame – then the purpose and intention is to see if we might be able to eventually access what’s going on underneath secondary anger. But, first, I work with clients to thank and honour how secondary anger has helped. I do this because I believe that secondary anger has the good intention of protecting what’s behind it. And, this protection has been necessary for some time. So, we start with a focus on exploring how this client’s anger has helped them. Through this process of appreciating and understanding the protective nature of secondary anger, secondary anger softens just enough to allow us to touch on, explore, and process the primary emotion beneath the anger – often sadness, fear, shame, or other tender feeling.
I’ve Been There
The only reason I am able to do this work with my clients is because I’ve been there, myself. I have taken time in my own life to appreciate my secondary anger – how she has protected me, kept me safe, and gotten me through challenging times in my life. My secondary anger has settled as a result, and shown me the pain and grief beneath. I have also taken time to honour the lessons of my primary anger, who shows me – still to this day – where I need more space, boundaries, and justice both in the world and in my heart.
Through all my personal and professional experiences with anger, I’ve come to see anger not as an enemy but as an invaluable guide. Anger, whether primary or secondary, has a purpose – it tells us when something is wrong, when we need to protect ourselves, or when we’ve buried something too deep for too long. Learning to work with anger, instead of against it, can bring healing, growth, and clarity.
Anger is your helper – it has something to say, and it’s worth listening to.
Here’s to honouring your feelings!
Karen Caspian, Masters in Counselling Intern
Anger Management
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